I am a rape victim- not the sexual kind that involves bodily destruction but the emotional kind that kind of the same–just mentally. So picture being tied up, not with material but by people who rob you of the ability to get out of a situation you don’t want to be in; you are forced to experience things that aren’t your choice and really not meant for you. People say you deserve it. There are those who empathize with you but would never save you, some feel sad for you, some just listen to it like another story. People tell you that things could’ve been worse so you should be grateful. Your voice counts for nothing during rape, sometimes screaming excites the ones who harm you.. something about loving the power from it. After everything telling others doesn’t matter because you’re not sure it makes a difference; you’re forced to shut up about it cause you’re too vulnerable to deal with the judgement, pity, self hate, self blame and insecurity. They’ll say there are so many things you could’ve done better.
Open your eyes, when you’re in that situation you can’t really think straight; forgive us for screwing up in our times of panic(sarcasm indeed). You slip away; you trust less; you break; you lose your reason to continue; to exist means nothing; you are robbed, and for us -the emotionally raped, we’re robbed of our ability to express ourselves Judged for being the way we are, we finally break and let people in on our ‘whys’ and ‘hows’; we don’t open up easily; some wounds never heal. Based on this I call myself a rape victim, not a survivor.
A survivor has, well, survived. I’m still going through it- getting raped by multiple people; held into a place against my will, taken advantage of, no escape no matter how hard I fight, my mouth is bound, robbed, hurt, with no regard for my feelings and most of all its somehow all my fault!
The worse part? Getting punished for things that others have forced onto you. There was a point when I thought to myself there can’t be anything worse than this, I was wrong. It’s not enough to be blamed but to apologize to make the rapist’s lives easier, all the while knowing that I will never have that protection from the same people, is by far worse. They say they’re teaching me to swim by throwing me into a pool full of sharks. I can’t swim. I float and get bit. Nor do I want to learn.
A child robbed with not a soul to say stop. Emotional rape in my opinion is worse than the actual rape. There, there’s a reason for being taken advantage of- lust and stupidity. Here, you’re a scapegoat, just another obstacle or a doormat. Physical rape at least acknowledges that you are human even if they use you as just another body. Here, you are but a means to have power over. There, they know that they will damage you, but here you’re not even a body capable of getting hurt. Who cares for a doormat’s feelings anyway?
I do not justify that any rape is okay. I’m just sending this out as awareness that there are others like me, worse than me. You might not be able to do anything but that’s not what we’re asking for, not like we expect it anyway. What we want is for you, to never even remotely try to ever control or scapegoat someone.
But one day I promise all of you, I will become a survivor. One day I’ll feel the sunshine & rain on my skin without the fear of someone realizing that I’m getting too much of normal and drag me back in to punish me again. Until then I’ll slightly wash my wounds away in the rain.